I went out for a run today after work. The sun was shining and I thought it was time for me to get back into running since I have a half in 2 months. Holy mother am I out of shape!! I wasn’t able to run 3 freaking miles without stopping! I was gasping for air and taking walking breaks every 4-5 minutes. This was NOT what I was anticipating! I am now officially freaked out because I have no idea if it is humanly possible to build enough endurance in 8 weeks for me to run 13.1 miles without stopping! Arghhhhhh I need to start training seriously ASAP!
At least it pushed me to organize my trainings and I made a schedule where I have 3 strenght training sessions per week with 4 running sessions and 1 full rest day. So yeah, this means that on 1 day I’ll have to run in the AM and go to the gym in the afternoon. This looks great on paper but we’ll see how my body reacts to that kind of intense training!
Today marks 1 year I have been back from my modeling adventure in Paris. When I was anorexic, I got recruited for a modeling agency in Paris and I actually moved there to try to start a career. I did London Fashion Week and Paris Fashion week in February of 2013. It was an experience like no other! I really miss living in Paris and modeling. But I know that leaving Paris was the only way for me to recover from anorexia and to try to lead a normal life. Being a model, you are watched and mesured 24/7. I started eating again out of boredom when I was in Paris. I knew no one and I was missing home. So I started to eat again…but a little too much. This is where the binges started. It got totally out of control and made me gain 8 pounds in like 2 weeks. My agency saw it right away and they knew something was wrong with me. They never ”knew” I was anorexic, well at least they never talked to me about it. They always thought I was just a naturally skinny girl. When they noticed my weight gain and saw how miserable I was becoming (I was miserable because I was gaining weight and binging and wasn’t able to stop it), they suggested I go back home to Canada for a few weeks to recenter and lose the weight. I saw this as the most humiliating thing ever and just felt like the biggest failure. Obviously, when I got home, things didn’t get better, I kept on binging and haven’t been able to stop since. My modeling career is obviously over and I’m heavier than I’ve ever been… I’m stilly really mad at myself for screwing up the most amazing opportunity a girl could get but at the same time, even though I don’t like my body right now, I’m still happier now than during those few years anorexia ruled my life.
I need to look back on those 3 months living the life in Paris as the best experience of my life and treasure every moment, while being grateful that it didn’t work out as planned because I am now free from this monster called anorexia. As much as I want to lose weight to be fit and healthy again, I NEVER want to go back to being this skinny little creature with no soul that I once was. Anorexia got the best of me once, in a moment of weakness, but I am now stronger and I won’t let it come back even though it’s knocking on my door every single day. Now that anorexia is over with, I really need to eliminate the binges to finally come to peace with food and have a healthy relationship with my body. The journey is far from over but I’m proud of the progress I made. To all those ED soldiers out there, my heart is with you xo