Week 1 Day 1 of 12 weeks

Today was my last day of group therapy… It was a bittersweet end. I was relieved that it was over because I was a bit tired of having to open up to people I dont know (not my forte). But also, I was disapointed because when I first started this group therapy I was convinced that I would be perfectly ok by the end of it. Sadly, I am about at the same point as I was when I started the group. 

I thought a lot about my progress (or lack thereof) and decided that I had plenty of tricks up my sleeves and I just had to decide to change and apply every concept that I’ve learn so far.

I kinda made an analogy with my training for my half marathon. For 12 weeks I was super persistant and dedicated to my training. No amount of rain or humidity would keep me from running. I realized that I have a lot of strength and I just need to use this strength to fight my ED and stop feeling like a victim.

So today I decided to join the #friskyfall challenge from my role models, the Tone It Up girls, Karena and Katrina. This challenge is until Halloween and it’s basically to commit to exercising daily and eating lean clean and green! Since I usually do whatever I feel like at the gym, I realized that I also needed a training program. So that’s when I decided to do the Live Fit 12 week challenge of Jamie Eason. It’s absolutely perfect since 12 week from now will be the Holidays and the end of the year. I wanna finish 2013 strong and healthy not miserable and unhappy like I am now. The LIve Fit program also has a nutrition program so I pretty much decided to mix the TIU plan and Jamie Eason’s plan. Hopefully, having a goal will help me control the binge. I just wanna love my body and have confidence.

I’ll post progress picture at week 4,6,8 and 12!

Cannot wait to start this journey 🙂

Weekend happenings!

 

 

 

Hey everyone! This post is gonna be a roundup of the amazing weekend I just had!

 

It all started off Friday before I went into work. I got a shake from Liquid Nutrition and it was DELICIOUS! It had coffee, chocolate almond milk, chocolate vega one protein powder and honey! It had 170 calories, 2g of fat, 29g of carbs and 13g of protein! Pretty amazing to give you energy before a long shift at work 🙂

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Saturday morning, I decided to try to make applesauce in the slow cooker. I peeled 12 apples and cut them is pieces, added some vanilla extract and cinnamon and started the slow cooker for 4h! Simple as that! It says to blend it after but I only had to mix it with a wooden spoon and it came out perfectly! Absolutely delicious!

 

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Saturday, I also went to the expo for the Montreal Rock N’ Roll marathon to grab my shirt and my bib! The expo was pretty good, I only bought a FlipBelt (www.flipbelt.com) to use when I don’t have any pockets on my shorts, but there was a lot to see it was fun! When I got home I prepared my stuff for the next morning. I had to leave the house by 7 to make sure I was there for the 830 start. I was really nervous all day Saturday, I had the worst stomach ache all day and night and even on the morning of the race. Thankfully, the pain stopped after 1-2 miles the morning of the race.

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Sunday morning was “the” most important morning of my whole Summer. I had been training for this half-marathon for 4 months. It wasn’t easy for me as my previous longest run was only 10k. But I pushed through. I was discouraged a couple times during the process, thinking I would NEVER be able to run that much. The race started on top of Jacques-Cartier bridge and it was sooooo cold. Windy and rainy. GREAT. While I was waiting for the start, I started getting more excited and less stressed which was amazing. We were 15 000 people running the half. I was so happy to be a part of that! The course was amazing, we were changing directions all the time which helped a lot. I had no real goal in mind. I only wanted to finish without walking once. But a part of me was hoping for a sub 2 time. Unfortunately, I didn’t make it. I finished with an official time of 2:06:53. Not so bad for a first. I had SO MUCH fun running the race, seeing so many people cheering us on was amazing. I’m already planning my next race! Winter is coming up here so technically I won’t be able to run another half until beginning of Spring 2014.

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My amazing medal with my muddy shoes 🙂

 

To be able to finish a half was a real accomplishment for me. Last year, at this exact same time, I was miserable, sick and unhappy. I feel like this half marked officially the end of my battle with anorexia, and I’m hoping it’ll give me the strength to be able to beat bulimia. I’ve told myself since the beginning of my training that the day after my half, was the day my life would change forever. That being able to run that distance would prove that I’m a strong headed girl and that I could beat anything. I woke up this morning with more motivation than I ever had. Hopefully, everything I hoped for will turn out to be true.

Have a good day!

I apparently still don’t know myself

Today started out rather early as I had an appointment with my therapist and then I had my weekly group therapy at the hospital where I’m being treated. My meeting with my therapist went pretty well, we are now starting to talk more about me than about the food (even though food is always a subject). We talked about the absence of anger in my life, how I always just repress it because it’s easier. I actually never noticed in my 26 years on existence that I was doing that! It’s crazy how thinking about specific situations that you thought were insignificant, can help you realize some new things about yourself!

Anyways, then we did a list of all my fear food and put them on a scale of 1 to 100, 100 being the ones that create the most anxiety. Nuts and nut butter are definitely on that list. I tried to reintegrate them when I was recovering from anorexia and it would automatically lead to a binge. I tried more than once and it’s ALWAYS the same result. So we are leaving those two for later and this week, my goal is to buy and eat normally granola bars. I bought some right after my appointment, we shall see how it goes!

Fitness wise, I had 5 miles on the agenda for today but I was mentally EXHAUSTED after 3h of therapy and decided to take a nap instead. I’m getting ready for work now so no time for running. I used to feel sooooo guilty when I would skip a workout but I know I needed that nap more than the workout if I want to be able to survive my shift!

I’ll try to post pictures everyday of what I’m eating at each meal for accountability. Hopefully, this will also motivate me not to binge!

Have a good one 🙂

What makes you happy

Hello all!

Today marks the beginning of a new step for me (well I sure hope so). I’ve been thinking A LOT about my ed and what I’ve been going through during the past 2 years. I’m so tired of being labeled as ”mentally ill” and I just wanna be able to say I’m NORMAL again.

I decided to really think about my bulimia and what really triggers my binges. I came to the simple conclusion that I’m just NOT happy. This is a sad realization but at the same time I’m glad I had it.

I then decided to see what I can easily change in the short term to be happier. I remembered how amazing I felt when I was actually going to a real gym (instead of working out at home) the year before anorexia entered my life. So, this morning, I went back to that same exact gym and I bought a new membership! I worked out there for 30 min and I was just so happy in that moment.

This blog thingy is also something that makes me happy, so I’ll definitely blog everyday even though I’m not sure anyone reads this haha

Finally, I want to pursue a new career path so I’m gonna go all in trying to find a new job that makes me feel satisfied and complete!

Short term goals also include: reading more, hanging out with my friends more, be more wild, go on dates etc etc

I’m just really hoping that those small changes will increase my happiness, which will decrease my binges which will make me feel better about myself.

I had 3 big binges the last three nights and I’m just sooooo sick of this! I say this EVERYDAY but something needs to change!

HOPE is the theme of the day, hopefully I’ll keep this in mind all day 🙂

Bisous xx

2 month hiatus

Wow, I cant believe I havent blogged in more than 2 months!! When I started this blog I really wanted to keep it up to date and make this a journal…Obviously I failed.

I feel like I need to start blogging again. I know that nobody reads this but for my total recovery I need to put out there what’s on my mind.

This whole Summer has been a disaster. Working at a job I dont like, getting played by a guy I trusted with all my hearts, still gaining weight and binging and trying to find what I want in life.

The good news is I found a new career path, I just need to find a job now 🙂

For the whole eating disorder thing, it’s not going that great. Bulimia is still part of my everyday life. I wanna lose weight SO bad, I HATE my body but I keep having these binges. The weight is coming on instead of getting off. I’m currently on Prozac but I feel like it doesn’t make that much of a difference… I know that I have those control those binges at night and be stronger than this disorder but I guess I’m just weak, as I fail every night…

Some days I wish I was anorexic again. I still didnt love my body then but I liked it way more than I do now…

Its NY fashion week now and I would have been there is my anorexia hadn’t turn into bulimia. I only modeled professionally for 3 months but I loved it!! London FW and Paris FW were just awesome in February. I wish I’d be in this industry still. Fucking ED.

Anyways, I’ll be back on this whole blogging bandwagon and I’ll try to blog everyday. I’ll post my workouts, my eats and how I’m feeling. Hopefully this will help me!

Have a good day 🙂