same sh*t different day

Yesterday was a good day…well I thought. Every morning, I get up with the intention of not having  binge, of having a ”perfect” day of regular low calorie meals and be happy. It started ok, had breakfast, went into work for a couple of hours, came back home, had lunch and went on with my day. I went for a drink with a friend and we talked about some issues that really frustrated me. I was flustered after being with him but was ok when I got home. Made dinner around 7. I had ground turkey with a bunch of veggies. I felt good. But then realized I was starving literally 30 minutes after being done. I had a mini binge when I ate a couple of things mindlessly in my kitchen but it wasnt so bad.

I was craving fro-yo like no one’s business but decided to go for a run instead and told myself I would get fro-yo after if I still wanted it. Went for a little 5k run, came back home and was not hungry after. Around 10, I decided to have a little snack. The snack escalated in more than a snack and I realized I was craving fro-yo again. Decided to go for it instead of fighting the craving. And then a real binge happened. The fro-yo place wasn’t open so I decided to go to the corner store to get a little ice cream thing. Got it, ate it, then proceeded to eat a chocolate bar, 3 donuts, 1 slice of pizza and finally, a mini fry and a hamburger from McDonald…WHAT THE F*CK IS WRONG WITH ME?!?! I cannot stand this anymore. Like I feel SOOOO ashamed and I hate myself even more every day.

Sometimes, I feel like I’m binging like this because I hate myself and don’t think I deserve to be happy and healthy. I just wanna lose weight (obviously not happening right now) and be normal!! I’m going out with a friend tonight and I know that I’ll have to fight my anorexic thoughts as I’m having drinks with her. Because yes, even though I binge, I still have my anorexic thoughts when I’m out. How f*cked up is this?! How can I still obsess over calories 99% of the time but freaking eat humongous amount of gross fatty food when I’m binging?!? Does that even make any sense?

I don’t know what to do anymore…I can’t seem to think that one day everything will be good..Sometimes I think that having a car accident and being in the hospital for a while would be the only way I could stop this cycle… I’m scared of myself.

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