fighting the binges

Binging without purging has become part of my daily life now. Only happens at or during the night. I AM SO SICK OF THIS!! My therapist tells me I’m mostly binging because I’m restricting during the day. I tried not to restrict, eat more or whatever but I still get that urge to eat huge amount of food. The weird thing is that I’m not eating donuts and cheeseburgers (yes it happened a couple of time but not on a regular basis), I’m gonna make huge bowls of casein protein powder mixed in with almond milk and oatmeal, or 2 slices of bread with a little bit of cheese, or 2-3 protein bars in 3 minutes etc etc. Yes those are not super calorie heavy food by themselves but I eat SO much of it that it becomes a burden.

I work in a restaurant now and sometime I waitress for 12-15hours straight. I used to barely eat during the time and obviously when I would eat after my shift, it would always turn into a binge. Yesterday, I worked 12h but I brought snacks and a lunch (yay me!!) thinking it might help. Got home, cooked dinner (chicken and veggies), had tea and a grapefruit. I thought I was in business and was so excited to maybe not have a binge! Went to bed, woke up literally 2 hours later, got up like a robot, ate (a lot), went back to bed, woke up again, ate AGAIN, went back to bed and then freaking woke up a third time and yes, I ate something then too. I always feel so bad after, I feel like a failure and I feel fat. All I want is a normal relationship with food, I wanna be hungry when I wake up in the morning ( I obviously don’t since I eat some much during the night).

Working again 12h today, made a lunch again. I need to find a trick to get my mind off of food when I wake up during the night. I hope everyday that today will be better. Hopefully this time it’s true!

Have a good day people! xx

One thought on “fighting the binges

  1. Hi:) I really relate. After times when my weight has been super low I have found the first phase of recovery includes this horrible night eating. It does seem to lessen as body weight increases and as you persist with eating regular meals. The brain starts to think, “it’s ok, I will be fed…” It’s tough though, the morning after those nights of eating. But know that it is a phase and it WILL pass and you will come out the other side free and wondering, how did I do this? I made it!

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