New day

hi all! i can say that i’m actually feeling a bit better these days. The binges have been less intense, even non-existent on some nights! I went to see the psychiatrist on tuesday and she gave me Prozac to try to help with my binges, anxiety and depression. It hasn’t even been a week and I can already see a difference! For now it’s working really good and i’m hoping it’ll stay that way 🙂

I registered for my first half-marathon last month and it’s taking place in September. I’m a little more than 12 weeks away so I started Hal Giddon novice plan for a half marathon. Since I’m working a lot of hours at the resto, I’m shuffling the trainings so I dont have my long runs on days where I’m working 12-15 hours. Yesterday I went for 4 miles in the rain and it felt awesome! I was kinda slow but I tell myself that a slow run is better than no run at all!

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On this note, I need to get my butt to work, another double today ughhhh! Have a nice day 🙂

Protein oat bran muffins!

I haven’t posted in a while mostly because I haven’t been doing so good. What I did good, though, are those amazing muffins I made!!

I modified a recipe for protein bars from Jamie Eason and ended up with some rather delicious protein muffins with a perfect balance of proteins, carbs and healthy fats 🙂

For 9 muffins:

1 cup of oat bran

2 scoops of Vanilla flavoured whey (in my case 85 cal/scoop and 20g of proteins)

2 tsp of cinnamon

1 tsp of baking soda

1/4 tsp of salt

4 egg whites

8 oz of unsweetened applesauce ( I used Mott’s apple and pomegranate flavour)

1 tbsp of melted coconut oil

Mix all the dry ingredients together and then add applesauce,  egg whites an  melted coconut oil

Bake at 350F for 20-25 min!

Macros per muffin:

85 calories

2.4 g of fat

8.8 g of carbs

2 g of fiber

2.6 g of sugar

7.5 g of protein

work it out! full body

As I was feeling pretty crappy today, I decided to pop into my gym for a quick workout. I wasn’t feeling it at all but I knew I would feel better after (and I did!)

I started with 10 min on the treadmill followed with this full body workout:

Perform each exercise for 1 minute. Rest as needed (max 30 sec.)

  • jumping jacks
  • squats*
  • jumping jacks
  • pushups
  • shoulder raises*
  • mountain climber
  • deadlifts*
  • squat jumps
  • plank
  • tricep extensions*
  • leg lifts
  • alternating lunges*
  • bicycle crunches
  • bicep curls*
  • superman
  • overhead press*
  • bird-dog
  • high knees
  • bridge
  • one leg hop (30 second per leg)

*use appropriate weight

same sh*t different day

Yesterday was a good day…well I thought. Every morning, I get up with the intention of not having  binge, of having a ”perfect” day of regular low calorie meals and be happy. It started ok, had breakfast, went into work for a couple of hours, came back home, had lunch and went on with my day. I went for a drink with a friend and we talked about some issues that really frustrated me. I was flustered after being with him but was ok when I got home. Made dinner around 7. I had ground turkey with a bunch of veggies. I felt good. But then realized I was starving literally 30 minutes after being done. I had a mini binge when I ate a couple of things mindlessly in my kitchen but it wasnt so bad.

I was craving fro-yo like no one’s business but decided to go for a run instead and told myself I would get fro-yo after if I still wanted it. Went for a little 5k run, came back home and was not hungry after. Around 10, I decided to have a little snack. The snack escalated in more than a snack and I realized I was craving fro-yo again. Decided to go for it instead of fighting the craving. And then a real binge happened. The fro-yo place wasn’t open so I decided to go to the corner store to get a little ice cream thing. Got it, ate it, then proceeded to eat a chocolate bar, 3 donuts, 1 slice of pizza and finally, a mini fry and a hamburger from McDonald…WHAT THE F*CK IS WRONG WITH ME?!?! I cannot stand this anymore. Like I feel SOOOO ashamed and I hate myself even more every day.

Sometimes, I feel like I’m binging like this because I hate myself and don’t think I deserve to be happy and healthy. I just wanna lose weight (obviously not happening right now) and be normal!! I’m going out with a friend tonight and I know that I’ll have to fight my anorexic thoughts as I’m having drinks with her. Because yes, even though I binge, I still have my anorexic thoughts when I’m out. How f*cked up is this?! How can I still obsess over calories 99% of the time but freaking eat humongous amount of gross fatty food when I’m binging?!? Does that even make any sense?

I don’t know what to do anymore…I can’t seem to think that one day everything will be good..Sometimes I think that having a car accident and being in the hospital for a while would be the only way I could stop this cycle… I’m scared of myself.

fighting the binges

Binging without purging has become part of my daily life now. Only happens at or during the night. I AM SO SICK OF THIS!! My therapist tells me I’m mostly binging because I’m restricting during the day. I tried not to restrict, eat more or whatever but I still get that urge to eat huge amount of food. The weird thing is that I’m not eating donuts and cheeseburgers (yes it happened a couple of time but not on a regular basis), I’m gonna make huge bowls of casein protein powder mixed in with almond milk and oatmeal, or 2 slices of bread with a little bit of cheese, or 2-3 protein bars in 3 minutes etc etc. Yes those are not super calorie heavy food by themselves but I eat SO much of it that it becomes a burden.

I work in a restaurant now and sometime I waitress for 12-15hours straight. I used to barely eat during the time and obviously when I would eat after my shift, it would always turn into a binge. Yesterday, I worked 12h but I brought snacks and a lunch (yay me!!) thinking it might help. Got home, cooked dinner (chicken and veggies), had tea and a grapefruit. I thought I was in business and was so excited to maybe not have a binge! Went to bed, woke up literally 2 hours later, got up like a robot, ate (a lot), went back to bed, woke up again, ate AGAIN, went back to bed and then freaking woke up a third time and yes, I ate something then too. I always feel so bad after, I feel like a failure and I feel fat. All I want is a normal relationship with food, I wanna be hungry when I wake up in the morning ( I obviously don’t since I eat some much during the night).

Working again 12h today, made a lunch again. I need to find a trick to get my mind off of food when I wake up during the night. I hope everyday that today will be better. Hopefully this time it’s true!

Have a good day people! xx

welcome to my blog!

I decided to create this blog to share my everyday life as I’m trying to beat eating disorders and be fit and happy. I have no idea if people will actually read what I have to say but I’m taking the plunge anyway and hoping for the best.

I’m a 26 year old girl who struggled with anorexia for a year. It all started when I wanted to loose a coupl of pounds to look better for summer. An original goal of a 5 to 10 pound weight loss turned rapidly into a 45 pound weight loss… My bmi hit a very low 15 and I was just not myself anymore. I was always obsessing over calories, I stopped having any kind of social life because I didn’t want to steer away from my calorie goal. I lost my hair, stopped having my period and was very depressed. My parents forced me to seek for help. After following treatment in a certain clinic for a couple of months and realizing I was still losing weight I decided to go see elsewhere. The therapy was a different approach and it worked for me. I stopped losing weight and even started gaining some back. It was the worst feeling but I knew I had to. But then I moved to Europe for three months. Being away was harder than I thought it would be. I was feeling depressed and I started having binges. I thougth I could ccontrol it but it just kept on getting worst and worst. I came back home but the binges didn’t stop. As of today I gained back almost all the weight I had originally lost. I struggle a lot with the binge eating and body image. I still have anorexic thoughts and I’m always super anxious when I have to eat out. My ultimate goal is to lead a normal and happy life, being happy with the body I have and treat it with respect. I want to eat healthy and exercise, tone up and be happy with the way I look. I also want to be able to go out without feeling guilty and most of all I want the binges to stop. This blog will describe my journey into recovery with my everyday struggles.

Welcome to healthyhappyrecovery!! 🙂